You wouldn’t know it to look at it, but this brown glop is the greatest meal you will ever have. Traditional New Orleans-style Red Beans and Rice. It looks like paste, but it is actually a delicate marriage of kidney beans, small red beans (some of which are, indeed, mashed), Polish keilbasa, chicken Andouille sausage, Ham Hocks, a Tasso-substitute (’cause you can’t get Tasso anywhere in NYC — we used some thinly-sliced, smoked breakfast ham), garlic, onions, celery, bell pepper, paprika, cayanne, thyme, CRP, black pepper, worstershire sauce, some Tabasco, anything else you feel like throwing in there. Let it stew for about a day, until it looks like cement. Plop it on top of white rice. Add a shitload of Habanero sauce. Die in ecstacy.

We’re eating in about 90 minutes and I am about to go apoplectic.