I like preservatives. I like chemical agents. I have a lovely aloe plant, one branch of it needed to be plucked. I did so, cracked it open and, since I had the remnants of a sunburn on my cheeks, rubbed some of the goo on my face. As I did this Ann said, “doesn’t pure aloe smell like B.O.?” And that’s when it hit me! My cheeks, my face, my entire head was suddenly enveloped in the most horrendous, dirty funk I’ve smelled since the last time I was trapped on the subway with a group of Pakistani Grateful Dead fans. Seriously, I smelled like an ass. I smelled like Smarty Jones’ ass. I smelled like Smarty Jones’ aged grandmother’s ass. From now on, everything I buy has to come in a bottle, approved by the good people at CVS.
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Welcome
Jordan Hoffman is a New York-based writer and film critic working for The Guardian, Vanity Fair, Thrillist, Times of Israel, NY Daily News and elsewhere.
He is the host of ENGAGE: The Official Star Trek Podcast, a member of the New York Film Critics Circle and challenges you to a game of backgammon.