To complain when you feel you got cheated at a Poetry Slam! No — I don’t think I deserved to win. . .but I think I should have made it to the second round. And the audience did, too. They hissed — nay booed and scowled at the judges when I received my low score earlier tonight at the Bowery Poetry Club. But the judges have the last say. All I know is that it wasn’t just my little circle of friends who were cracking up and cheering after I finished my song parody about Hemorrhoids.
Oh, you haven’t heard it? Well, just because I love you, I’ve reprinted it here.
(to the tune of Leonard Bernstein’s “Maria” from West Side Story)
I first felt the lump when I went to wipe
(hemorrhoids)
Extra flesh down below made my sphincter awfully tight
(hemorrhoids)
Its hemorrhoids!
The doctor just said that its hemorrhoids!
And never normal will
A morning bowel movement
Beeeeeeeeee.
Its hemorrhoids!
The doctor just said that its hemorrhoids!
I wish my excretory matter
Was confined to
Peeeeeeeeee.
Its hemorrhoids!
Var-i-cose veins of trapped a-nal blood
Thrombosed boils block my di-ges-tive mud
Its hemorrhoids!
Oh doctor please cure me of
Hemorrhoids!
Of hemorrhoids!
Of hemorrhoids!
Of hemorrhoids, damned hemorrhoids!
Of HEEEEEMorrhoids!
Of Hemorrhoids!
Of hemorrhoids!
Of HEEEEEEmorrhoids, damned hemorrhoids!
Wont this 50 buck copay do something?
Dr. Gupta that flashlight is frightnening.
These hemorrhoids
Ill never stop cursing
. . .These hemorrhoids!
. . . I first felt the lump when I went to wipe. . .. My Hemorrhoids. . . . .
Jesus Christ — you’re lucky they didn’t have that weird cat with the big hook from the Apollo’s Amateur Night.
That was terrible, and you know it!
(Then again, probably no worse than the usual horseshit.)
Besides, I told you, some Rutin, some of those nice treated pads with Witch Hazel for your tuckus, a warm salt bath, and you’ll be whistling dixie in no time.
Well. . .the performance aspect of it makes it much better.
And — and this is very important — I’M FEELING MUCH BETTER NOW. A little metamucil goes a long way!!