It’s takes a lot for a martial arts movie to make it into my sphere of knowledge, but this one a) stars a woman and b) features “thai boxing” instead of the other leading brand. To my untrained eyes, it is all just kicking and punching and going “eeek” with each move, but who am I to say it isn’t “thai boxing.”

We tried to watch the movie proper, but the opening sequence made that simply unbearable. The midi-esque music! The slow dissolves! The incomprehensible storytelling! “Is this the movie, or still a trailer?”

On FF we determined that a special needs child is blessed with the gift of catching tennis balls with great speed and kicking mounds of ass. She needs to collect “mother’s money” because mother is dying (and has been doing so for about 17 years) so the young tennis ball catcher (and her tubby, goofy friend) proceed to put some muscle on varying bad guys who hang out in warehouses.

First they hit the ice warehouse. Then it was the box factory. Then the meat lockers. Then, just, I dunno, some room. The big boss fight, and, frankly, the only one that made me really say, “Wow, that is cool” happened on various ledges of sign-heavy three story buildings. Lots of jumping up and down levels, straight out of games like Prince of Persia.

The illusion was shattered though as the closing credits showed all the injuries. When Jackie Chan’s movies do this it is filled with laughs and good cheer. Chocolate showed people being taken away in traction, perhaps never to walk again. That’s not all that fun.