Jordan Hoffman Dot Com

It’s over. It’s all over.

Somewhat hard to put into words how I feel about this. If Trek is my hobby, my silly passion, my extra curricular activity, and the second-half of DS9 is its apex then this all must have some kind of meaning.

Sure, there are the Season 8 “novels” but they aren’t the same.

Revisiting DS9 like I’ve done in The Star Trek Project has been a true rewarding experience for me. And while Voyager and Enterprise may have some highlights for me, I know that it is basically downhill from here.

Like Jake, I’ll be staring out the window from the Promenade at the Celestial Temple, wishing it could all come back.

Damar will fight! And Garak and Kira will help him?

All loose ends are waiting to get tied up (as is the Dominion War) but not before Zek and Moogie split for Risa, leaving Rom (not Quark) as the Grand Nagus.

Voyager finds her Pegasus – it is the Equinox, with John Savage’s Captain Ransom as Admiral Cane.

They, too, got zapped to the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker, but they are getting back By Any Means Necessary. Even if it means draining the life-juice out of intra-dimensional slime monsters.

This is the only part of the final DS9 arcs that dips in quality. It goes way way into almost Dr. Who-like territory as Bashir and O’Brien run around Sloane’s (from Section 31) memories. Yeah – kinda lame.

But the rest of the pieces of the puzzle are still fitting into place.

To me, this one kinda feels like a TNG-type episode, but it still works.

A smart bomb that is sentient – and determined to fulfill its mission.

Nice acting by Robert Picardo who “becomes” the bomb – and good to see Harry Kim take some responsibility here. Also: Janeway proving that, when she has to, she can place every confidence in her crew.

1/2

Worf! Worf! Worf! Worf!

1/2

Yay, time travel episodes are fun!

Boo, time travel episodes make no sense!

Odo is getting sicker, Bashir realizes Section 31 is behind it, Dukat goes blind from the Pah-Wraiths and Gowron usurps Martok with his banana bread military policy.

I understand. It’s an opportunity for Kate Mulgrew to prove she can act. Like when they let Avery Brooks or Patrick Stewart direct. All it really does is show off how shitty the backlot sets are.

Not a terrible episode, but not particularly good or believable one, either. Other than Assignment: Earth and The Voyage Home, Trek has never done “now” all that well.

Everyone is on the offensive!

The Breen attack Starfleet Headquarters. Damar is scheming against Weyoun. Dukat has fully infiltrated Kai Winn. And the Federation/Klingons/Vulcans charge in Chin’toka (only to leave the Reliant behind in pieces.)

Never in the history of popular entertainment has their been a better sexual fantasy for maladjusted nerds. Behold Seven of Nine, so ridiculously sexualized and yet completely pure – an absolute tigress of alpha signifiers, but a complete neophyte in human interaction. In a nutshell: she’s so clueless she’d think your three inch cock and inarticulate fumblings were the masterstrokes of an intergalactic Casanova.

Anyway, this is the episode where the hologram and the robot chick fall in love. Awwwww.

The Malon (one of the few memorable Voyager baddies) are back and this time they’ve brought moral complication with them!

Really a B’Elanna episode as she learns to use her natural inclination toward hostility for good. Added benefit: the first time we actually see a Sonic Shower! (BTW, is the Sonic Shower an invention of Trek Lit that made its way into the show? I think it may be.)

Who will save Ezri and Worf? Would you believe Damar?

Tired of getting pushed around by the Vorta, Damar grows a pair. Meanwhile Dukat is masquerading as a Bajoran and in the bed (ewww) of Kai Winn. Under his spell she pledges allegiance to the Pah-Wraiths.

The Founders warn Ben that he must walk his path alone. He, ultimately, says Eff That (but Kira knows better.)

Ezri and Worf, post-schtupp, are “rescued” by the Breen who we learn have signed an alliance with the Dominion!

The final arc begins!

Worf’s ship is destroyed, Ezri rescues him in the Badlands, Sisko proposes to Kasidy and Dukat comes to Damar on Cardassia Prime. Some heavy, heavy shit is being planned.

The sins of the least fitting death in popular culture are forgiven in this, the most necessary Trek comics run since Debt of Honor.

The mighty Captain is disinterred and brought to rest, while his forever friend does some titular reflecting.

Also: Picard and Spock are totally BFFs. It’ll melt your heart.

This is a pre-quel to the Countdown prequel and, hence, an Abramsverse story in my book.

A shocking turn of events! Despite the embarrassing presence of Jason Alexander (who is so awful that I honestly thought I’d be unable to watch this episode) the writing behind this one is so strong you can overlook him sucking up the joint.

A floating (in subspace!) think tank that will aid ships (or cultures) in distress for a price. . . featuring all sorts of floating plasma and robotic intelligence. Toss in some bounty hunters and story reversals and you have yourself a good show. If they got someone other than Costanza, it would be close to perfect.

Truly, the best way to ensure than an episode stinks is to base it on Chakotay.

Even if it has cool stuff like “Chaotic Space” and aliens that attempt to communicate with you by subtly altering your DNA to predispose you to schizophrenia (and, hence, make you cuckoo bananas, but also receptive) this all gets flushed down the toilet when the camera is on Chakotay – the worst second-in-command ever.